Sonya, My New Guitar

OK, ths isn't the very girl. She's the right year and color though. Mine's actually in much better shape. This is a picture of a new guitar that's been "relic-ized" which means somebody beat the shit out of a beautiful brand new guitar and then charged you $500 more for it. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, right up there with brand new ripped jeans. Anyway MY new guitar is a 1988 reissue of a 1962 Candy Apple Red Fender Stratocaster. She has come minor blemishes here and there but the TONE! More than that, THE PLAYABILITY!!!! My God! I knew in the first 5 seconds I had to have hert, financial ruin be damned. What's more I found another like her (in three tone sunburst) that I must have. I'm getting ready to trade Ursula and Mary in. Ursula is my black 1986 reissue of a 1957 strat and Mary is a brand new reissue of a 1970. I made the mistake of playing all three guitars in rapid succession and I can't figure out how I ever played the old ones. The '57 was refretted with jumbo frets which now feel like clown shoes. The '70...is better, but not much. The '62 is THE SHIT. There's just no comparison. I'm loathe to EVER sell guitars and both Mary and Ursula are probably good investments but as instruments...well... I dunno if they're gonna get much use from here on out. Maybe I'll crank up the action on Ursula and use her for slide, keep Mary as a back up. She has a special feel of her own. Sonya is the new main axe. I wonder what I'll name the sunburst one?

Sailing, sailing over the HNT

Well, you can't see the half nekkid part, but I'm wearing short shorts in this pic. No word of a lie I had to keep tucking that thing back in. It kept coming out for a look around. Anyhow, still feeling vulnerable. Hating the single life and feeling really fat and old. STILL NOT 40 THOUGH! Still got all my teeth and most of my hair. My widow's peak is getting a bit extreme though. This is the boat I'm going to Nova Scotia on next week. http://www.areionteam.com/ if you want to see more pics or read the blog. I've been appointed boat scribe so all blogging activities are my responsibility. We leave Friday AM from Dartmouth Mass. and sail to Marblehead Mass. Arrive Saturday AM early. Provision and overnight in Marblehead. Sunday morning we start racing to Halifax. Arrive Halifax sometime Tuesday (we hope). Two days of gorging, guzzling and wenching later we return the following weekend, hopefully back at home by Tuesday some time.
Me? Oh I'll be in meetings the whole time on shore. Either that or in a hotel room with two hookers, an 8 ball and a bottle of Jack. My friends in the fellowship say I'll be fine. G-d help me! Meanwhile I'm complaining how much I hate not being in love and I'm turning down overtures left and right. I feel like if it isn't going to turn into a serious committed relationship I can't be bothered. Isn't that fucked up? What happened to the vile whore I once was? The one who would fuck anything that would spread if it held still long enough? Who was that drunken pirate and where did he go? HHNT y'all!

wednesday wednesday

256 days; lots of music going on. Must paint some. Lots of canvas and no inspiration. Low grade depression. Lacking sex and hating it. Toying with the idea of connecting this blog with my real website or reactivating the old blog. Not that there's any real anonymity here but perhaps it's better than being open to the whole world. I got burnt by that too often. I like my quiet internet space here with my friends. This time next week I shall be preparing for serious offshore voyaging. I am having some trepidation about that. It's a long trip and there's going to be fuck all to do in Halifax except drink and shag sailing groupies which I am now free to do having been once again cut loose by the now former so-called Love Of My Life. Fucking bitch. I should be grateful not to be trapped in a marriage with someone so self centered and unwilling to compromise but I still feel cheated and a nagging sense of loss. This too shall pass. Meh.

A better day

Not a great picture of me but whatever. Apparently I left a lot of people worried about me with my last post. My bad. Sorry. I do that from time to time. I try to warn the sensitive types away because I just vent here. I once posted a pic of a guy with his brains blown out and the phone started ringing off the hook and one person showed up at my door crying thinking I had shot myself. It's been a rough week but having been dumped by the so-called 'girl of my dreams not once, not twice, not three but now FOUR FUCKIN TIMES I'm kind of used to it. Basically I've decided that what's really going on is SHE'S afraid to commit. I have never treated her like anything but gold and been absolutely honest about everything even when I knew it would cause ME to have a Big Pain In The Ass. She's the one unwilling to compromise on things and backing out. So fuck her. Yes, she's beautiful, she's a panic in the sack, she's got a job, a home, money, she's fairly stable but God fuckin dammit I won't be kicked around anymore. I can do better.

Let's recap: I'm 38. I'm 5'9" and 185 lbs. I can run 5 miles in an hour and bench press my own weight. I'm educated and literate. I speak 3 languages fluently. I've been around the world. I make in excess of $100,000 a year. I've never been married, I don't have any kids, I don't drink or do drugs and I hardly smoke. I breathe through my ears, my tongue never gets tired and my partner's satisfaction is my prime source of sexual joy.

For my part what do I want? Someone shorter and lighter than me with a voracious sexual appetite like my own. She should have a job and make as much (or nearly as much) as I. Even better if she makes more. She should have outside interests but be as willing to share in mine as I am in hers. She should have grown children or not want children. A love of sailing and the sea is a big plus. A basic knowledge of history, art and music would be helpful. A love of travel, a spontaneous streak and a willingness to rough it if need be. She should like my music and be willing to come to the shows and support me.

Is that fuckin much to ask? Really? Maybe so. Anyway I'm refocused on my music and my sobriety. I'm going out to see bands, I've fired up my blues and jazz trios again with new and exciting players and I'm going to take the fuck over. Beep Beep! Coming through.

Only G-d's grace

Only God's grace is keeping me sober today and that just barely. I'm lonely, depressed, suicidal and I just want to drink it all away. Yesterday I called a friend and thank G-d he said "If you're feeling like that fuck whatever I was doing. Come over and jam." so I did. I felt much better. Then we went to the recording studio he uses (my session had been cancelled) and met a bunch of nice people and saw a BEAUTIFUL studio. WOW! What a place to chill and get inspiration!
I've written some new songs (don't worry, not sappy breakup songs) so I might record them there. No get me a fuckin drink will yo uplease? Fuck's SAKE!

I Look Happy HNT

I look happy but I'm not. Once again (what's this, the 4th or 5h time now?) Brenda out of the clear blue sky said "We're just too different. We can't get married ." When pressed for more detail it became obvious that, while fearful, I was willing to give up EVERYTHING in my life here in NY for her and she is will to give up exactly NOTHING. So I surrendered. I wished her well, said goodbye and hung up the phone. What else was I supposed to do, make a scene? I've had it with all that drama. I love the girl but clearly she is fucked up and no amount of bending over backwards is going to make her able to commit. I should be relieved. That was clearly a recipe for a disasterous marriage but I'm still pretty sad over it. For the first time in my life I was really looking forward to getting married and starting a family but apparently that is not to be. I went to a lot of bars in the last few days but I just can't seem to make myself drink. I WANT to get good and drunk but...I dunno. If I give up my sobriety now it means I did it for her and not me. I'm not willing to accept that no matter how much it hurts. I could sure use a good blow job though if anyone feels like volunteering. H-fuckin-HNT.

Famous Last Words

I happened across a list of famous last words.

This one just kills me.

"I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have." Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

My God.
Here's a guy in the top 5 greatest geniuses in all of history. He changed the world in so many ways it's ridiculous. Besides his towering artistic achievement (the Mona Lisa alone is the most famous and valuable painting in the world) he invented helicopters and submarines 500 years before they could be built, but when they were they used his designs. That's just two small examples. He was famous in his own lifetime but 600 years later his name is still foremost among artists, philosophers and scientists and yet his final dying thought was of his utter failure to achieve his own potential.

Wow.

Anyway, maybe that will give you some idea why I'm so endlessly unsatisfied with my own accomplishments, meager as they are. When you aspire to that level of greatness it's pretty freakin hard to measure up. Meanwhile, most people never even think about it, so there you go.