The pic is from STRANGER DANGER Awesome!!!! So I'm feeling pretty out of sorts. It's been 7 weeks since I quit smoking. By the time 30 days had passed the last time I was so depressed I was ready to kill myself. It's a little better this time but only a little. I think I might be misnaming the emotion I'm experiencing. Since I quit drinking (and smoking) I'm MUCH more sensitive emotionally. Example: I hear a song, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. As it plays I get all teary. I'm experiencing the emotion of the singer as she sings, the emotions of BOTH characters in the song AND the emotions that the song elicits in me. I feel overwhelmed and buffeted by this sea, these waves washing over me. It's WAY too fucking much. It is NOT a comfortable feeling and it makes me want to drink to erect a shield of "I-don't-give-a-fuck". This is over A SONG and an old fuckin song that I never liked very much at that. This is how I feel most all the time about everything now. No wonder I'm going nuts!
So I think what I'm calling "depression" might be something more aptly named "emotional exhaustion". Tired and drained from experiencing and dealing with a surplus of emotion. I wanted to share this at a meeting but it keeps slipping my mind because I'm having difficulty organizing my thoughts and remembering shit.
What else? I'm lonely in a sea of people. All I want is someone to love like crazy who loves me back the way I love them. God dammit I'm fuckin worthy and deserving (and I'm a fabulous fuck I might add) so what the fuck? I'm having a great deal of trouble wanting what I have and being grateful for it.
I'm also going to the doctor for a physical tomorrow and I'm a bit apprehensive. All this effort I'm making to be healthy...what if he tells me I'm dying? What if he says...I dunno, bad things?
5 comments:
you have made some excellent choices in the last year. don't give up. write down the things you want to share at your meetings. talk to your doc. hugs, friend.
When you build the Hoover Dam against it, it all floods in like that... I know... but eventually, they'll come like the tide... in and out... just gentle waves... (okay and an occasional storm... :)
Ride it out... I know you can...
You're doing great - this too shall pass. Talk to your doc (if I've missed this appt, at your next) about Wellbutrin - supposed to help with the nicotine cravings and the emotional rollercoaster.
Lime is right: write stuff down that you want to talk about at meetings. I did that when I was in therapy and it helped. I also do that for dr appts - to help remember all the things that are falling apart as I age!
Love...
why didn't you call me? I want you to share this with me... I want to be able to help you feel or buffer these feelings.
Fast car makes me cry too . I think not necessarily words but singer and the feelings she emminates... as she sings.
xoxo
You have made so many strides this past year. It won't be long until you meet the woman that makes your heart soar....and she'll be worth the wait.
You've done the work to make yourself a better you. Be proud.
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