Never Before Published HNT

Never before published mainly because it is T3H 5UCK. But it's all I got. I certainly ain't gonna take a new picture whilst I am the massive fatness. H to the H N fuckin T.
Edit: it seems no one has t3h sympathy for my body/weight issues. :-) I forget that I live in America, home of the morbidly obese. It was brought home to me as I sat in an Italian restaurant that almost everyone in there was FAT. Not fat like ME fat, I mean F to tha A to F.A.T FAT I'm only 8 pounds overweight and that's based on the CDC body mass index which is way low for muscular people anyway. I'm just perturbed that I can't seem to get the look I want. Lapis Ruber (AKA Redstone) pointed out that compared to a lot of people I look like a Greek God. Eh, Greeks are swarthy and I'm not but I'll take it.

Ridin With The King

I'm having a very decadent lunch today. I'm fucking tired of stressing over food. Fuck it. I'm gonna be 40 and fat and there's nothing I can fuckin do about it. I know my limitations and evidently sticking to any sort of healthy diet is one of them. I've been trying like a motherfucker since October to eat right and excercise enough to get down to 170 lbs and 6 pack abs. It fuckin can't be done. I am thwarted at every turn by holidays, illness and injury. 177 lbs is IT. No abs for me. FAIL. Only through surrender and admission of my powerlessness have I ever accomplished anything. Therefore I give the fuck up. Note: this bellyaching doesn't take into account that I quit smoking in September. Most people gain weight. However, being superhuman, I'm unsatisfied with having lost only 10 pounds since I quit. Because I'm, you know...sane.
I've been in a bad mood for days and nothing seems to lift me out da funk. I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired, fat, sick, sorry and full of hate and self loathing. My best ideas are sleep and suicide. Two more weeks of this retrograde Mercury shit. I hope it goes by fast. This shit is wearing me out.
I am actively seeking a new rhythm section for The Gearjammers. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have once again passed their sell-by dates. I'm way past going out and performing with fuckups. If it's not slammin I'm not bringing it out there. There's too much competition to be suckin it live. It needs to be kicking and that means guys who CAN play and WILL practice. There will be no more half-fast performances. Bah.

For The Love Of God

Love "bears all things" and "endures all things". These words say all there is to be said; nothing can be added to them. For we are in the deepest sense the victims and the instruments of cosmic love. ~Carl Jung~

Those of us who've fallen in love can never forget the tender adoration of and the seeming perfection of our beloved, nor the complete abandon we felt. Later, when familiarity cleared our vision, we began trying to control the relationship and,
of course, our beloved. To bind them to our will, we wrap our loved ones in ribbons of care and concern. Or, if we are the least bit insecure, we become restrictive and possessive. Yet, as we experience the love of those who are helping us find our way and, through them, the love of God we come to understand that love must be free. God's love does not insist on fidelity, good taste, or common sense. Why then should we demand more of those we love? No person is my private possession, no behavior the price of my love.

It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.
~Abe Lincoln

I learned a few chords on the banjo as the key to life.
~Vince Gill

People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering.
~St. Augustine

No matter our circumstances today, let's thank God.

Manic Depression and The Bi-Polar Bear

Well Mercury has gone retrograde:MercurySince everything to all outward appearances is fine and yet I'm thoroughly depressed I'm going to blame it all on that (as if I needed a reason!) It's been a long time since suicide was the first solution to occur to me when I felt sad so I knew something was up. Totally lethargic? Check. Unable to focus, concentrate, sleep or even care? Check. Wishing you owned a gun and a bullet? Check.
OK then! Typical symptons (sorry, SIDE EFFECTS) of anti-depressent drugs?
Nausea
Dry mouth
Diarrhea or constipation
Problems with sexual health
Dizziness
Problems sleeping
Drowsiness
Weight changes
Anxiety/agitation
Yeesh! Yeah, thanks. I think I'll go fuck myself instead. "When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking breaking." Last night I caught myself singing "I'd rather have a bootle in front of me than to have to have a frontal lobotomy". Not good.

Boggling efficacy..er...blogging.

What is the point of this thing? Eventually I hurt or piss off my lovers and friends with the stuff I write, even when it has nothing to do with them. It has certainly caused more grief than it was ever worth. It was meant to expand my base of friends and fans so I could sell more art and music and to date I've sold exactly one CD as a result of the fucking thing, meanwhile it's caused endless fights and aggravation in my personal relationships. What the fuck? Why the hell am I still here? Clearly I'm fuckin stupid. Fuck this.

New dreams of Wichitaw

As 40 comes rolling down on me I find myself repeating a line from a U2 song. "We need new dreams tonight." Not that mine ever came true, but at this point they're well past their "sell-by" date. Fame and fortune on a rock star/movie star level, a stable of fine women, houses on the coast in several countries, cars, guitars, studios, the best booze and dope that money can buy...almost but not quite. So much of my life has really been "almost but not quite". I'm not complaining. I'm fuckin lucky as hell to be alive and doing what I'm doing where I'm doing it. I could easily be dead of in jail 100 times over. I make 6 figures doing a job I don't hate too much with all the perks, I have studios to paint and make music in, a collection of art and music, a new car, I'm getting laid periodically, there's food on the table and a gym to work out in. All my problems are luxury problems. Shall I dream of being a better man to better serve my fellow man? Yeah, that's it.

New Challenges and Peevishness

Coke Zero
I have an addictive personality. I drank Budweiser and smoked Marlboro reds for 25 years and did whatever party favors came my way without hesitation. Even after 15 months sober (466 days but who's counting?) I readily substitute other addictions. When I first got sober I drank coffee like water, doubled my cigarette intake and lost 12 pounds working out every day. Then I switched to coca-cola and immediately put the weight all back on. Then I quit smoking, switched to coke zero and took the weight back off but it's a struggle to hold it down to 175 pounds and I really want to get down to 165. I know I shouldn't bitch because everyone ELSE who quits smoking GAINS weight, but this is ME. I'M DIFFERENT! Right. Same as everyone else. So, I've been trying to maintain a hi protein low carb diet without much success. I last all week and then binge on pop tarts and donuts. Oh well. Progress not perfection. It came up that even zero calorie coke is a hindrance to weight loss. It seems counter intuitive since IT HAS ZERO FUCKIN CALORIES, but that's what I'm hearing all over. Something about the sucralose making my body ACT as if it was sugar and fuckin up the insulin & calorie burning. Sometimes I think no one knows ANYTHING about diet and weight loss and it's all made up. Skinny people are fuckin skinny and fat people are fuckin fat and that's that. I know that's not true, it just FEELS that way sometimes. When I drank every day people would say "You wouldn't sit down and drink 12 Cokes at one sitting, would you? At the time I said no but evidently that's false. At any rate that's the next thing on my quit list. It's 6 pack abs or die! That means starting real soon (tomorrow! :-) It's ALWAYS tomorrow) NO MORE SODA. Gah! That creeps me out just to WRITE! Yeesh! Pray to the junkie maker. BTW I commented on EVERYONE'S HNT and nearly no one commented back. So to those comment hogs who can't return the favor? YOU SUCK!