Sonya, My New Guitar

OK, ths isn't the very girl. She's the right year and color though. Mine's actually in much better shape. This is a picture of a new guitar that's been "relic-ized" which means somebody beat the shit out of a beautiful brand new guitar and then charged you $500 more for it. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, right up there with brand new ripped jeans. Anyway MY new guitar is a 1988 reissue of a 1962 Candy Apple Red Fender Stratocaster. She has come minor blemishes here and there but the TONE! More than that, THE PLAYABILITY!!!! My God! I knew in the first 5 seconds I had to have hert, financial ruin be damned. What's more I found another like her (in three tone sunburst) that I must have. I'm getting ready to trade Ursula and Mary in. Ursula is my black 1986 reissue of a 1957 strat and Mary is a brand new reissue of a 1970. I made the mistake of playing all three guitars in rapid succession and I can't figure out how I ever played the old ones. The '57 was refretted with jumbo frets which now feel like clown shoes. The '70...is better, but not much. The '62 is THE SHIT. There's just no comparison. I'm loathe to EVER sell guitars and both Mary and Ursula are probably good investments but as instruments...well... I dunno if they're gonna get much use from here on out. Maybe I'll crank up the action on Ursula and use her for slide, keep Mary as a back up. She has a special feel of her own. Sonya is the new main axe. I wonder what I'll name the sunburst one?

Sailing, sailing over the HNT

Well, you can't see the half nekkid part, but I'm wearing short shorts in this pic. No word of a lie I had to keep tucking that thing back in. It kept coming out for a look around. Anyhow, still feeling vulnerable. Hating the single life and feeling really fat and old. STILL NOT 40 THOUGH! Still got all my teeth and most of my hair. My widow's peak is getting a bit extreme though. This is the boat I'm going to Nova Scotia on next week. http://www.areionteam.com/ if you want to see more pics or read the blog. I've been appointed boat scribe so all blogging activities are my responsibility. We leave Friday AM from Dartmouth Mass. and sail to Marblehead Mass. Arrive Saturday AM early. Provision and overnight in Marblehead. Sunday morning we start racing to Halifax. Arrive Halifax sometime Tuesday (we hope). Two days of gorging, guzzling and wenching later we return the following weekend, hopefully back at home by Tuesday some time.
Me? Oh I'll be in meetings the whole time on shore. Either that or in a hotel room with two hookers, an 8 ball and a bottle of Jack. My friends in the fellowship say I'll be fine. G-d help me! Meanwhile I'm complaining how much I hate not being in love and I'm turning down overtures left and right. I feel like if it isn't going to turn into a serious committed relationship I can't be bothered. Isn't that fucked up? What happened to the vile whore I once was? The one who would fuck anything that would spread if it held still long enough? Who was that drunken pirate and where did he go? HHNT y'all!

wednesday wednesday

256 days; lots of music going on. Must paint some. Lots of canvas and no inspiration. Low grade depression. Lacking sex and hating it. Toying with the idea of connecting this blog with my real website or reactivating the old blog. Not that there's any real anonymity here but perhaps it's better than being open to the whole world. I got burnt by that too often. I like my quiet internet space here with my friends. This time next week I shall be preparing for serious offshore voyaging. I am having some trepidation about that. It's a long trip and there's going to be fuck all to do in Halifax except drink and shag sailing groupies which I am now free to do having been once again cut loose by the now former so-called Love Of My Life. Fucking bitch. I should be grateful not to be trapped in a marriage with someone so self centered and unwilling to compromise but I still feel cheated and a nagging sense of loss. This too shall pass. Meh.

A better day

Not a great picture of me but whatever. Apparently I left a lot of people worried about me with my last post. My bad. Sorry. I do that from time to time. I try to warn the sensitive types away because I just vent here. I once posted a pic of a guy with his brains blown out and the phone started ringing off the hook and one person showed up at my door crying thinking I had shot myself. It's been a rough week but having been dumped by the so-called 'girl of my dreams not once, not twice, not three but now FOUR FUCKIN TIMES I'm kind of used to it. Basically I've decided that what's really going on is SHE'S afraid to commit. I have never treated her like anything but gold and been absolutely honest about everything even when I knew it would cause ME to have a Big Pain In The Ass. She's the one unwilling to compromise on things and backing out. So fuck her. Yes, she's beautiful, she's a panic in the sack, she's got a job, a home, money, she's fairly stable but God fuckin dammit I won't be kicked around anymore. I can do better.

Let's recap: I'm 38. I'm 5'9" and 185 lbs. I can run 5 miles in an hour and bench press my own weight. I'm educated and literate. I speak 3 languages fluently. I've been around the world. I make in excess of $100,000 a year. I've never been married, I don't have any kids, I don't drink or do drugs and I hardly smoke. I breathe through my ears, my tongue never gets tired and my partner's satisfaction is my prime source of sexual joy.

For my part what do I want? Someone shorter and lighter than me with a voracious sexual appetite like my own. She should have a job and make as much (or nearly as much) as I. Even better if she makes more. She should have outside interests but be as willing to share in mine as I am in hers. She should have grown children or not want children. A love of sailing and the sea is a big plus. A basic knowledge of history, art and music would be helpful. A love of travel, a spontaneous streak and a willingness to rough it if need be. She should like my music and be willing to come to the shows and support me.

Is that fuckin much to ask? Really? Maybe so. Anyway I'm refocused on my music and my sobriety. I'm going out to see bands, I've fired up my blues and jazz trios again with new and exciting players and I'm going to take the fuck over. Beep Beep! Coming through.

Only G-d's grace

Only God's grace is keeping me sober today and that just barely. I'm lonely, depressed, suicidal and I just want to drink it all away. Yesterday I called a friend and thank G-d he said "If you're feeling like that fuck whatever I was doing. Come over and jam." so I did. I felt much better. Then we went to the recording studio he uses (my session had been cancelled) and met a bunch of nice people and saw a BEAUTIFUL studio. WOW! What a place to chill and get inspiration!
I've written some new songs (don't worry, not sappy breakup songs) so I might record them there. No get me a fuckin drink will yo uplease? Fuck's SAKE!

I Look Happy HNT

I look happy but I'm not. Once again (what's this, the 4th or 5h time now?) Brenda out of the clear blue sky said "We're just too different. We can't get married ." When pressed for more detail it became obvious that, while fearful, I was willing to give up EVERYTHING in my life here in NY for her and she is will to give up exactly NOTHING. So I surrendered. I wished her well, said goodbye and hung up the phone. What else was I supposed to do, make a scene? I've had it with all that drama. I love the girl but clearly she is fucked up and no amount of bending over backwards is going to make her able to commit. I should be relieved. That was clearly a recipe for a disasterous marriage but I'm still pretty sad over it. For the first time in my life I was really looking forward to getting married and starting a family but apparently that is not to be. I went to a lot of bars in the last few days but I just can't seem to make myself drink. I WANT to get good and drunk but...I dunno. If I give up my sobriety now it means I did it for her and not me. I'm not willing to accept that no matter how much it hurts. I could sure use a good blow job though if anyone feels like volunteering. H-fuckin-HNT.

Famous Last Words

I happened across a list of famous last words.

This one just kills me.

"I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have." Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

My God.
Here's a guy in the top 5 greatest geniuses in all of history. He changed the world in so many ways it's ridiculous. Besides his towering artistic achievement (the Mona Lisa alone is the most famous and valuable painting in the world) he invented helicopters and submarines 500 years before they could be built, but when they were they used his designs. That's just two small examples. He was famous in his own lifetime but 600 years later his name is still foremost among artists, philosophers and scientists and yet his final dying thought was of his utter failure to achieve his own potential.

Wow.

Anyway, maybe that will give you some idea why I'm so endlessly unsatisfied with my own accomplishments, meager as they are. When you aspire to that level of greatness it's pretty freakin hard to measure up. Meanwhile, most people never even think about it, so there you go.

Please Help!

My dear friend Lori @ http://www.gnightgirl.blogspot.com/ has a son named Brian who is in the Army and stationed in Iraq. He's barely old enough to drink and yet he's driving a tank (thank G-d) , so he's not nearly in as much danger as he might be. When asked what he needed he said "Well we handed out the beanie babies you sent and the kids really loved them. Please send more. They help everyone's morale a lot, kids, parents and soldiers alike." So she put out the call and bloggers responded in droves. She sent more and more and they kept calling for more and more. Finally the sheer volume got overwhelming and the local radio and TV stations set up a website and got her some help managing this giant, silly, wonderful enterprise for peace and mutual understanding. Please visit www.toys-for-troops.com and send a beanie baby (or a dozen) to a soldier to give to some Iraqi kid. Since it's someone I know running it I know they aren't being auctioned on ebay and it's not a scam. It's completely legit, it's easy, it's cheap and who knows? It might save a soldier's life. Maybe YOUR kid, or the kid of someone you know. Please help. Thanks.

Something about Mary HNT

Well, I suppose this sort of blows my so-called anonymity, but that's more about people searching for my real name or my much more famous handle. And by "people" I mean my lover and her judgemental family. Anyhowz, this is me with my "other" start Mary (aka Blondie). I have kind of a funny look on my face but I like the picture and I love the way she looks and sounds. It took my a while to get used to her. She feels a lot different than Ursula (aka Blackie, my black '57 RI). Her neck is faster and slinkier and because her vibrato arm is less tense she can be pitchy. She makes a lot of unexpected sounds and is hard to control (not unlike myself!) but nowadays she's my #1. Maybe after I take Ursula back to the strat doctor and get her set up like Mary we'll be friends again. Actually, her strings are just a little old and I decided to use Mary instead. God, I'm fickle! I just use 'em, abuse 'em and leave 'em in the case. HHNT y'all!

Robert Heinlein - literary hero

I got this picture of Robert Heinlein here. He is among my very favorite authors not least because his characters invariably inspired me to try to be a better man. That's high praise indeed. Just ask Jack Nicholson (another hero) 's charater in As Good As It Gets. So, if you never read anything I've recommended or link I've lunk, read THIS. If ever anyone has summed up the way I feel about myself. the world, honor, integrity, spirituality and common sense that's it.

Pretty accurate I'd say

***Your Life Path Number is 1***
Your purpose in life is to lead others.
You have great drive and determination. Nothing is going to stand in your way.You seek out challenges and the spotlight. You'll take all the work - and all the glory.Status and success are important to you. You demand the best from everyone and everything. In love, you tend to take a protective role. You enjoy being the provider in relationships. You expect others to be like you, and as a result, you are often disappointed.A little selfish and vain, you always put yourself first.Remember, everyone already knows you're great - you don't need to remind them!
What Is Your Life Path Number?http://www.blogthings.com/whatisyourlifepathnumberquiz/

I still think this is complete bullshit since it's based on nothing more than your birthdate and year (at least that's all they ask you for) but nevertheless it rings fairly true. "So did you really shut down your blog? Or did you just move it?" Yeesh.

Dazed and Confused

Here I am high and half nekkid in Key West. Great time. In other news I hate Verizon with a passion. The are the worst. Bad service, bad prices, bad products. Fuck Them. Bastards. HHNT!

Ladies & Gentlemen; Give it up for applause!

Yes, I'm an applause junky. I live for the accolades of my fellow human beings in the form of screaming, shouting and vigorous hand clapping. Talk about shallow! What can I say? I'm a show off. I always have been and likely always will be. I can't decide if it's a character defect or just part of my personality. Is it an asset to want to make people happy? To enjoy themselves, dance, get down and boogie? Or does it just make me a selfish narcissist slavishly hell bent on getting the approval of my peers at any cost? Why does this self examination stuff have to be hard? Can't I be absolved of my guilt without having to ennumerate in agonizing detail all my lifelong fuckups? Bah. I'm guilty of all seven deadly sins and have broken every commandment, OK? Isn't that enough? I know, G-d obviously knows and I've shared these facts with many people. Can't I get on with the being entirely ready to have G-d remove my defects and humbly asking him to do so already? Sheesh! 235 days.