Never Before Published HNT

Never before published mainly because it is T3H 5UCK. But it's all I got. I certainly ain't gonna take a new picture whilst I am the massive fatness. H to the H N fuckin T.
Edit: it seems no one has t3h sympathy for my body/weight issues. :-) I forget that I live in America, home of the morbidly obese. It was brought home to me as I sat in an Italian restaurant that almost everyone in there was FAT. Not fat like ME fat, I mean F to tha A to F.A.T FAT I'm only 8 pounds overweight and that's based on the CDC body mass index which is way low for muscular people anyway. I'm just perturbed that I can't seem to get the look I want. Lapis Ruber (AKA Redstone) pointed out that compared to a lot of people I look like a Greek God. Eh, Greeks are swarthy and I'm not but I'll take it.

Ridin With The King

I'm having a very decadent lunch today. I'm fucking tired of stressing over food. Fuck it. I'm gonna be 40 and fat and there's nothing I can fuckin do about it. I know my limitations and evidently sticking to any sort of healthy diet is one of them. I've been trying like a motherfucker since October to eat right and excercise enough to get down to 170 lbs and 6 pack abs. It fuckin can't be done. I am thwarted at every turn by holidays, illness and injury. 177 lbs is IT. No abs for me. FAIL. Only through surrender and admission of my powerlessness have I ever accomplished anything. Therefore I give the fuck up. Note: this bellyaching doesn't take into account that I quit smoking in September. Most people gain weight. However, being superhuman, I'm unsatisfied with having lost only 10 pounds since I quit. Because I'm, you know...sane.
I've been in a bad mood for days and nothing seems to lift me out da funk. I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired, fat, sick, sorry and full of hate and self loathing. My best ideas are sleep and suicide. Two more weeks of this retrograde Mercury shit. I hope it goes by fast. This shit is wearing me out.
I am actively seeking a new rhythm section for The Gearjammers. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have once again passed their sell-by dates. I'm way past going out and performing with fuckups. If it's not slammin I'm not bringing it out there. There's too much competition to be suckin it live. It needs to be kicking and that means guys who CAN play and WILL practice. There will be no more half-fast performances. Bah.

For The Love Of God

Love "bears all things" and "endures all things". These words say all there is to be said; nothing can be added to them. For we are in the deepest sense the victims and the instruments of cosmic love. ~Carl Jung~

Those of us who've fallen in love can never forget the tender adoration of and the seeming perfection of our beloved, nor the complete abandon we felt. Later, when familiarity cleared our vision, we began trying to control the relationship and,
of course, our beloved. To bind them to our will, we wrap our loved ones in ribbons of care and concern. Or, if we are the least bit insecure, we become restrictive and possessive. Yet, as we experience the love of those who are helping us find our way and, through them, the love of God we come to understand that love must be free. God's love does not insist on fidelity, good taste, or common sense. Why then should we demand more of those we love? No person is my private possession, no behavior the price of my love.

It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.
~Abe Lincoln

I learned a few chords on the banjo as the key to life.
~Vince Gill

People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering.
~St. Augustine

No matter our circumstances today, let's thank God.

Manic Depression and The Bi-Polar Bear

Well Mercury has gone retrograde:MercurySince everything to all outward appearances is fine and yet I'm thoroughly depressed I'm going to blame it all on that (as if I needed a reason!) It's been a long time since suicide was the first solution to occur to me when I felt sad so I knew something was up. Totally lethargic? Check. Unable to focus, concentrate, sleep or even care? Check. Wishing you owned a gun and a bullet? Check.
OK then! Typical symptons (sorry, SIDE EFFECTS) of anti-depressent drugs?
Nausea
Dry mouth
Diarrhea or constipation
Problems with sexual health
Dizziness
Problems sleeping
Drowsiness
Weight changes
Anxiety/agitation
Yeesh! Yeah, thanks. I think I'll go fuck myself instead. "When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking breaking." Last night I caught myself singing "I'd rather have a bootle in front of me than to have to have a frontal lobotomy". Not good.

Boggling efficacy..er...blogging.

What is the point of this thing? Eventually I hurt or piss off my lovers and friends with the stuff I write, even when it has nothing to do with them. It has certainly caused more grief than it was ever worth. It was meant to expand my base of friends and fans so I could sell more art and music and to date I've sold exactly one CD as a result of the fucking thing, meanwhile it's caused endless fights and aggravation in my personal relationships. What the fuck? Why the hell am I still here? Clearly I'm fuckin stupid. Fuck this.

New dreams of Wichitaw

As 40 comes rolling down on me I find myself repeating a line from a U2 song. "We need new dreams tonight." Not that mine ever came true, but at this point they're well past their "sell-by" date. Fame and fortune on a rock star/movie star level, a stable of fine women, houses on the coast in several countries, cars, guitars, studios, the best booze and dope that money can buy...almost but not quite. So much of my life has really been "almost but not quite". I'm not complaining. I'm fuckin lucky as hell to be alive and doing what I'm doing where I'm doing it. I could easily be dead of in jail 100 times over. I make 6 figures doing a job I don't hate too much with all the perks, I have studios to paint and make music in, a collection of art and music, a new car, I'm getting laid periodically, there's food on the table and a gym to work out in. All my problems are luxury problems. Shall I dream of being a better man to better serve my fellow man? Yeah, that's it.

New Challenges and Peevishness

Coke Zero
I have an addictive personality. I drank Budweiser and smoked Marlboro reds for 25 years and did whatever party favors came my way without hesitation. Even after 15 months sober (466 days but who's counting?) I readily substitute other addictions. When I first got sober I drank coffee like water, doubled my cigarette intake and lost 12 pounds working out every day. Then I switched to coca-cola and immediately put the weight all back on. Then I quit smoking, switched to coke zero and took the weight back off but it's a struggle to hold it down to 175 pounds and I really want to get down to 165. I know I shouldn't bitch because everyone ELSE who quits smoking GAINS weight, but this is ME. I'M DIFFERENT! Right. Same as everyone else. So, I've been trying to maintain a hi protein low carb diet without much success. I last all week and then binge on pop tarts and donuts. Oh well. Progress not perfection. It came up that even zero calorie coke is a hindrance to weight loss. It seems counter intuitive since IT HAS ZERO FUCKIN CALORIES, but that's what I'm hearing all over. Something about the sucralose making my body ACT as if it was sugar and fuckin up the insulin & calorie burning. Sometimes I think no one knows ANYTHING about diet and weight loss and it's all made up. Skinny people are fuckin skinny and fat people are fuckin fat and that's that. I know that's not true, it just FEELS that way sometimes. When I drank every day people would say "You wouldn't sit down and drink 12 Cokes at one sitting, would you? At the time I said no but evidently that's false. At any rate that's the next thing on my quit list. It's 6 pack abs or die! That means starting real soon (tomorrow! :-) It's ALWAYS tomorrow) NO MORE SODA. Gah! That creeps me out just to WRITE! Yeesh! Pray to the junkie maker. BTW I commented on EVERYONE'S HNT and nearly no one commented back. So to those comment hogs who can't return the favor? YOU SUCK!

Yogic Vision

HERE is the flower I saw while meditating Saturday. As close as I can come anyway. Namaste! HNT below.

Unused HNT

Well I somehow missed this pic. I never posted it and since I've been sick and went off my diet (again) I feel fat and bingey and poptarty & donut eating slothy so I shall NOT be using my new camera to take a new HNT this week. So. Fuckin. There. This shall have to suffice. HHNT!

Yoga visions and a meme

At yoga on Saturday while meditating and chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo (by which I mean "I submit myself to the Mystic Law of the universe" see link at the bottom) to myself I saw a bird of paradise flower such as this made of golden light. It was facing the other way and tilted 45 degrees to the left and shall, I think, be the subject of a new painting. It was quite the thing. I guess you could say it was my first yogic vision, if there is such a thing. Meanwhile I got tagged by Zoely over at http://prana.typepad.com/ I don't usually do these but for Zoely I'll oblige so here it is.
1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream: Whipped Cream
2. Leather or PVC: Leather
3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex: Indoor
4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed? Jacuzzi!
5. Bad Sex or No Sex: Bad Sex is a contradiction in terms for me.
6. Dominate or Be Dominated: Switch
7. Thigh highs or Bodystocking: Thigh highs
8. Fast or Slow: Alternate
9. Rough or Gentle: Alternate
10. Bite or Suck: Suck
11. Role play or Reality: Both
12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To: Both
13. Edible panties or No Panties: None
14. Spanking paddle or Bare-handed: Paddle , belt, whip, flogger
15. Landing Strip or Kojak: Bald or furry. No stubble!
16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck: Multiple
17. Moaning or Screaming: Both
18. Older or Younger: Both, at once if possible.
19. Threeway or No Way: Threeway
20. Swing or No Swinging: Swing
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nam_Myoho_Renge_Kyo

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?

This is an actual ad on MySpace. WTF?!?!?! I'm pretty sure if your parts smell bad that's a sign of only one or two things (both extremely bad). Either your hygene is bad and you need a shower and maybe some baby powder, or you have some sort of venereal disease and you need to see a doctor STAT. W.T.F. is THIS crap??? Yeesh!
Sorry my crotch smells bad let me spray (?) on some crotch deodorant. What is this world coming to, I ask you? Yep. Dis gimme de jibblies.

Adult orthodontia

BLEAH! So my adult #11 tooth (that's the upper canine, or fang on my left side) never came in properly. My baby tooth just never fell out until a couple of years ago. I went to various "specialists" who told me a) leave it alone and it will come in, b) it'll never come in and you need full braces and if you don't your teeth will all fall out and c) a whole range of choices in between. Being doubtful as I am of the medical establishment I did nothing. Lo, three years later it's come about halfway in and shows no sign of going any further. The braces option ranged from $3500 to $5000 and no one seemed willing to give me any sort of break on this but I finally found an orthodontist who said a retainer and a couple of elastics should pull it down enough. I don't care if they're especially straight as long as there isn't a big gap in my smile. So TODAY I go to get this procedure done and I am WAY apprehensive. For $600 there's zero guarantee it will work at all, there's some danger it will further mess up my teeth AND I get to wear a retainer day and night for 3 to 6 months, taking it out only to eat, after which putting the elastics back should be a special challenge. Is this trip really necessary? I feel my vanity overriding my good sense. It doesn't HURT, why mess with it? But alas I am shy about smiling and I hate that stupid gap so I'm going to try it. Wish me luck my non-existent Monday readers. Perhaps I'll feature the new hardware on Thursday.

more drawings

Just a few drawings I recently snapped out of my sketchbook. I have a veritable metric ass load of work to get pictures of and post. Not all of it is new but I want to share some of the stuff from the past couple of years. DRAW WHAT YOU SEE!

It's a mystery HNT

Why didn't I take a new HNT pic this week since I have a new camera? It's a mystery. Not why didn't take a new HNT; the camera. Fucking manual reads like a chinese text book and the controls look like a 747 dashboard. I took 174 pictures at the awards dinner tonight. Many good ones, many many many crappy ones, all FUCKING ENORMOUS. I'll be saving them to disk all night. HHNT!

Gabriel Blow Your Horn

Summertime, and the livin' is easy. Yeah, it's fuckin winter adn I hate it. This is Julian, a friendly and talented sax player I know. Anyway I got this new camera and in typical fashion I took out a couple of Craig's List ads soliciting photography work. 'Cause, you know, I'm an expert photographer, right? The way I see it nothing will get me to read the manual and master the camera like not wanting to look like an idiot in front of a stranger. 'Cause, you know, I can't bear it when people I don't know think ill of me. While I was at it I started answering ads to BE a model as well. I love being naked for strangers. 'Cause I'm, you know, crazy.

I had a dream

I recently had a dream in which I was tattooed with a Black and White Thunderbird in the style of the above pictures. I've been unable to find anything that looked wuite like what I want and (although I haven't tried very hard) have not yet made a drawing that came anywhere close. I'll not have anyone else's art tattooed on me so I'll HAVE to design something eventually. If my last tattoos are any indication it will probably take 18 to 24 months.

Bitchin new camera

Well here's my bitchin new camera. I'm excited! So excited it took me two days to take it out of the box. I get like that sometimes. I get a new toy and I feel so guilty for buying it I can't open it and play with it. Sometimes I am one fucked up motherfucker. I'd link to a review but blogger's new linky adder sucks donkey balls. Blogger worked SO WELL until google took it over. Grr.

Whoops I did it again

It seems I can't stop buying guitars. And this after I just bought a new Canon Powershot digital camera and a new PC. This is the last guitar for a while. I need to sell three of the 6 strats, then I can buy the cherry sunburst Les Paul and I'll have a nice balance of flavors and styles. Anyone have 15 grand they can give me? Will provide quality long lasting sex for cash. After a long week of no carbs and hard cardio I binged today on a box of pop tarts and two donuts. Oops. It all started with a 3d of a cup of rice with my delicious Thai shrimp lunch. Next thing you know; Wham! Carb frenzy. I took my first yoga class on Saturday thereby popping my yoga cherry. I loved it! Boy were the backs of my thighs sore this morning! Whew! It's a very hectic week so hopeflly I'll get in all my cardio in the mornings. We all know what a happy fuckin camper I am when first waking up. I LOVE MORNINGS! not

Bent and twisted - naked aggression

I'm feeling kind of wiggy here. One of the side effects of a high protein/lo-carb diet is you get tense. Carbs are a feel-good food. They help trigger endorphins and dopamines and all that crap that makes your body feel yummy. That's why it's called comfort food. Thus you could describe my diet as discomfort food. I'm tense, edgy and much more lustful and aggressive than usual. I went to a meeting today but need to do more. My sponsor is in the hospital having surgery tonight. I'm going to a concert in Brooklyn with a friend. I offered to sponsor a new comer today and he said yes so I guess I have a sponsee now. Yeesh. I need to go run 5 miles. That's all.

Conversations with the past

Inspired by Lime's post about a conversations with the 13 year old her I decided to do one and got completely stuck. At 39 I desperately want to tell 13 not to do the things I've done but I know he won't listen. It brought up some tough stuff.

39 - Hi kid.
13 - frowns and looks wary
39 - I don't have a lot of time so I need to tell you a couple of things real quick. I'm you from the future.
13 - OoooooooK.
39 - next year when you're waiting for the bus with wet, freezing hair and Ed Gaffey offers you a cigarette DON'T TAKE IT. It will be the 2nd bigggest regret of your life. You'll smoke every day for most of 25 years and will find it very hard to quit
13 - What about pot?
39 - It's not as bad as cigarettes but it's still pretty bad. Your step dad is a dick for getting you high. Better not to do it.
13 - I dunno I kinda liked it. It made me laugh. Plus it's nice having afather figure/older brother type. There are no men in my life at all.
39 - I know but he's a shitty role model. Another thing: when get the invite to see The WHo on Pay-per-View on New Year's Eve DON'T GO. If you do go don't drink Budweiser until you're shit faced. Then you won't start that not-very-gradual slide into full blast alcoholism. You won't waste 25 years of your life. Please. I'm begging you. Do. Not. Drink. Alcohol.
13 - Listen, I don't have ANY friends and everyone hates me. No WAY am I passing an opportunity to belong to a group. ANY fuckin group! I'm LONELY. I can't relate to anyone! I WANT to get fucked up! I hate myself and I want to die!
39 - I know but it's not your fault. If you just wait a while and take my advice...
13 - Fuck YOU asshole. You're still alive and you don't look too much the worse for wear. I'll take my chances.
39 - but it all goes SO wrong!
13 - I don't believe you.
39 - Fine, do what you want. You would have anyway.
13 - That's true! Anything else?
39 - Yes, not all women are hateful liars and whores. Your parents love you. They're sorry.
13 - Riiiiiiight. Later for YOU dick. (Runs off.)
39 - Wait, wait...it's OK to get married and have children! Your parents are WRONG!
When they say don't have children the unspoken message is NOT that they don't love you! Even if it was that's no reason to give up on the whole idea. Stay with Jackie!
13 - gives me the finger over his shoulder.
39 - That went about as well as I could have expected.

That kid hated me and everyone else SO much. It's a miracle he survived. The gift of recovery is you begin to get insight into your own mind and experience the feelings you buried. The curse of recovery is you begin to get insight into your own mind and experience the feelings you buried.is you begin to get insight into your own mind and experience the feelings you buried.

Onward Xtian Soldiers

I'm pushing myself harder to work more. Everyday I want to either play music, paint, draw, take photos, write...SOMETHING. I've been blocked for so long and really unable and unwilling to even try. In addition to that I've been back on the diet and excercise thing. Basically minimal carbs and no sugar and at least an hour a day of cardio. I'm down 10 pounds since Christmas at decent 182 lbs. I think 165 would be ideal but I'll be satisfied if I can get to 170 and maintain it. Rather than think of diet as something I do to reach my goal I'm trying to get into the mind set of making healthy choices as a matter of habit. My main staples now are canned tuna or chicken wrapped in lettuce leaves and trail mix. Acorns and fuckin' grass. Whatever. An hour of cardio a day is hard too. I haven't yet started lifting again in earnest. Mostly doing crunches and other ab work. My buddy suceeded in getting killer abs at 48 so I can do it at 39. My birthday is in 7 weeks. I should be able to make significant progress by then if I stick with it. Pray for me please.

Showerhead HNT

Bar Fight & More Pix

If prayer doesn't work

There's always fists

Last night I saw a bar fight between my (sober) bass player and the Tele player who introduced him to the big book of AA. Tele player was up in bassplayer's face so he decked tele guy. When people pulled them apart tele guy threw a glass of beer in bass player's face and again they went at it. Finally someone got tele player out of there. I was playing drums the whole time but it was all very very upsetting. What the hell kind of example are these morons setting? Alcohol may have been a factor. I don't know or care. If I am involved in a fight someone is going to the hospital. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for and I mean to the death. As such I try to stay away from those situations. What the hell am I doing in a bar after midnight on a Tuesday anyway? Is making $200 a month really worth it? Maybe if I was playing the whole time but mostly I'm cringing from the volume and marvelling at the incompetent imbeciles torturing perfectly innocent instruments. Bah.

All Sorts Of Art

Thanks for the comments. I have lots of new art to share with you. I'm trying not to let a day go by without doing something. I did these portraits late Monday night. I find drawing and painting exhausting now! A high level of concenttation is required. These don't make me look great but I think they look pretty fuckin realistic for line drawings straight onto the page in pen.

New Art

Dark Church

The Sneak


In a fit of artistic mania Sunday night I took about 40 pictures of my hands. Here are two that came out especially well. More will probably be forthcoming. I'm thinking of getting these printed big, like 18x24" or so. I saw "Frida" the Selma Hayek movie about the famous Mexican artist and got a big batch of inspiration. Last night the mania continued and I have not slept yet. Caffiene is bad for you. I have several new pieces planned so watch this space. I hope to finish Pearl earring soon as well. I bought ink for my printer and buying a brand new printer would have been cheaper. I need a new camera as well. 1.2 megapixels from 1999 is no longer cutting it. I need major print quality. I need a new PC also. Good thing I'm fuckin rich.

Rare pic of me smiling

Heck you NEVER see me smiling and having a good time onstage! I always look angry and/or constipated. Of course I'm playing bass for www.misteraction.com instead of guitar for www.TheGearjammersBand.com so maybe that's why. The links don't work because blogger is totally fucking up. POS.

No, it wasn't the fucking iron

As promised, you had to know where to look. If you think you know the naked woman chained to my ceiling you are mistaken.

On making it up as you go along...

The best laid plans of mice & men will often go awry but there is no substitute for a kick-ass improvisation. Wise words from an old road dog; me.

The SweetestThing HNT

This photo contains a hint of the sweetest thing in my life right now, but you have to know where to look. HHNT everyone!

Cross Country New Year

So to try something new and different I went cross Country Skiing for New Year's. Me and a batch of my adventure buddies left the wives, girlfriends and cell phones at home and went out to hit the trails to prove (among other things) that I can still have a good time without alcohol. Lo and behold; it was a blast. I went years ago and found that it got in the way of my partying. I was forever stopping for a smoke and a hit off the pipe or the flask. This time was completely different. It was a great workout and a good time was had by all. No one fell down. OK, I fell down once. Twice. Both times while standing completely still. Laugh all you want, somebody was purposely moving the ground. Anyway I had a grand time and it was good to see old friends. Anyone else do anything interesting for new years?